Mark Pellegrino in Supernatural: S11E9 O Brother, Where Art Thou?

Things are going so badly for the Winchesters in season eleven that they turn to Lucifer to help rid them of The Darkness. Lucifer’s willing to help … but he needs a ride out. Sam is so ungrateful, asking Lucifer if he thought he’d agree to this. Cmon Sam. Give Lucifer a break. But keep saying no, because we much prefer Lucifer in that vessel!

Lucifer: My old friend Crowley.

Crowley: A mere acolyte, carrying your torch.

Lucifer: You’re too kind. To yourself. What do you want of me?

Lucifer: Sam Winchester. My old roomie. Hug it out?

Lucifer: I must say, I’m a little in the dark about this meeting. Am I up for parole? Time off for bad behaviour? I don’t really get visitors.

Sam: If it weren’t for the crisis topside, you wouldn’t be getting one now.

Lucifer: Crisis?

Rowena: He’s so Alpha, isn’t he? Probably not relationship material, though.

Crowley: Mother, you’re drooling. Get a hold of yourself.

Sam: You’re aware of the Darkness?

Lucifer: Yikes. That that doesn’t sound good. Um. I’m aware of what she was, but that was eons ago.

Sam: She’s been released, so now she’s somewhere, or everywhere on Earth.

Lucifer: However did that happen?

Sam: Point is, she poses a threat to all that exists, including you.

Lucifer: Hmm. Well, that leads me to my next question. Where’s the big burrito himself? Where’s God in all of this?

Sam: All current indications of his presence are that there are no current indications of his presence.

Lucifer: What? Caught the fun bus out of town? Figures.

Sam: But recently he has reached out to an interested party.

Lucifer: Who?

Sam: Me.

Lucifer: You?

Sam: He answered my prayers.

Lucifer: Did he now? And what was dad’s suggestion?

Sam: To seek out you.

Lucifer: Get outta town! Seriously? Who’da thunk it?

Crowley: Can you hear what they’re saying?

Rowena: I could if you’d just shut it.

Lucifer: I completely get why you came to me. Can’t ignore God, right? God says “jump,” everybody says “how high?”

Sam: So does this mean you’re on board?

Lucifer: Well, I did help dad seal up The Darkness all those years ago. She’s quite a force. Determined to take over everything even back then. Prone to tantrums. I can see why pop is laying low.

Crowley: A lot of blabber going on. Surely Sam knows better than to cut some sort of deal.

Rowena: You know, Fergus, sometimes striking a deal, even a painful one, may be the only option.

Crowley: Like the hit you took out on me, for instance?

Rowena: It’s not easy being a parent, knowing when to hug your child, when to kill him.

Lucifer: Now that sis is here, God’s not the only circus in town.

Sam: Is she equal to him in power?

Lucifer: Raw power? Sure. But she’s got none of the experience. God is a master strategist. That’s why you’re here.

Sam: And why’s that?

Lucifer: Well, cause God needs me to help put the cat back in the bag. Can’t do it by himself. Seen that movie.

Sam: And?

Lucifer: And I need a ride outta here. I mean, I look swell in here and everything, but I’d be so much smoke topside.

Sam: You want a vessel.

Lucifer: One who’s… strong enough to hold me, handy, and available now. Catch my drift?

Sam: Did you really expect me to agree to this? So, what, I just disappear, while you take my body and get set loose on the world again?

Lucifer: I know. I know, Sam. It’s a lot to ask. But desperate times require desperate measures.

Sam: That’s not desperate. That’s certifiable!

Lucifer: Okay, hold on there a second, cowboy. Take a breath. You have been working with Crowley. You passed certifiable three off-ramps ago. And look, I’m no fan of the ruler of the universe, but here I am, ready to pitch in. Sam, why do you think God sent you to me? To get my help, which I only now just offered. Sam, your visions were the word of God. You can’t say no to that.

Lucifer: So have you thought about it, Sam? Do I have an invitation to look forward to?

Sam: No. I won’t do it. There has to be another way.

Crowley: What the hell’s going on? Why did the warding fail? What’s happening?

Rowena: Follow me, Fergus.

Lucifer: Together again. Hey, Sam Winchester, you miss me? I bet you did.

Lucifer: I have to say, you’re, you’re extraordinarily calm given the circumstances.

Sam: It’s pretty much exactly how God told me it was gonna be. Guess I just have to go with it and play my hand.

Lucifer: That would make so much sense if it was God that was doing the talking. You see, Sam, when The Darkness descended, the impact on Hell was massive. The cage was damaged. Through the fissures, I was able to reach out. It wasn’t God inside your head, Sam. It was me. So you see, he’s not with you. He’s never been with you. It was always just me. So I, I guess I am your only hope.

Sam: It’s never gonna happen.

Lucifer: Ah, well, settle in there, buddy. Hey, roomie. Upper bunk? Lower bunk? Or do you wanna share?